Monday, October 16, 2006
“The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine.”
-Mike Murdock

I woke up unusually early, even for me, worried about money, my back...all sorts of things.

I was halfway through my shower when I realized that something was wrong. Something fishy had happened. I was using the body wash BEFORE my exfoliator. I have a very specific routine in the shower; I do things in a particular and logical order (At least in the shower, not so much in the rest of my life). So, at dark-o'clock this morning, I was flabbergasted to find myself totally out of order.

I realize this is not exactly the end of the world. In fact, it's pretty stupid that I even noticed. But it did get me thinking--what about this morning changed my routine? Was it the early wake-up? Was it the worried mood I was in? Do other people have such a regimented shower routine, and do they ever stray from it?

As a kid, I had anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. Of course, I didn't realize it at the time, nor did I confess to anyone what was happening. I would just wake up, usually around 3 or so, with terrible stomach aches and in paralyzing fear/angst/worry. I worried my teachers would call my parents and tell them about all of the homework I didn't do. I worried that my dad was in the Mafia and we would be the victims of a drive-by shooting (and yes, this was WELL before the Soprano's--I have no idea where this came from). I worried about so much that my stomach would get these huge knots and I could not fall asleep.

A hot shower was my only remedy. I would put the water on as hot as I could handle, and just stand there until I could relax. Until I felt the worries of my 8...10...14 year old mind wash down the drain. Then I'd towel of, throw my PJs back on, and crawl shivering back into bed. It's almost like the change in temperature helped me fall back asleep.

I worry still, as evidenced by this mornings unpleasant wake-up. I think it's telling that my first instinct is to hop in the hot, hot shower until I stop thinking about whatever it bothering me. Funny, how some routines don't change.